In the Midst of Pain

The weeks leading up to the death of my father were the most precious and grief-filled experiences of my life. We knew that unless a miracle happened his life was coming to an end. It was my honor and privilege to spend this special time with him.

He made room for all of us, making sure that we all got to say what we wanted and hear what we needed to hear. It was the most wonderful, terrible, and beautiful of all times. I have never felt more pain and agony. I would never have wanted to miss out on any of it.

Of course I wish that my dad were still alive. I miss him terribly and I long to hear his voice and feel his trembling hand take a firm grip of mine. What I wouldn’t give to hug him! But still… I’m so grateful that I got to walk the last mile with him.

It’s human nature to avoid pain. We spend countless hours and immeasurable amounts of money to avoid discomfort. Most of us would go to great lengths to avert strain and hardship. We hate our own pain and shun the torment of others. It’s natural – if we can sidestep discomfort we will. (Unless there’s something seriously wrong with us and we actively choose pain for ourselves and others. Then we’re diagnosed and put on medication.)

But it’s true for most of us.
We hate pain.
We avoid the agony.
Until we can’t escape it.

Some of my most precious moments have been as I’ve gone through pain. I have never felt God so close to me as in those very hours when I have been face down on the floor crying my heart out. When I was sobbing until there was nothing left but silence. When I felt so grief-stricken that I wondered if I would ever get back up, or if I even wanted to. Those were the moments when he covered me. Hid me under his wings. Let me rest my head on his chest. Sheltered me with his love.

He made darkness his covering, his canopy around him— the dark rain clouds of the sky.

Psalm 18,11 (NIV)

I celebrate the God who enthrones on our worship, who rejoices with us and dances fiercely and unrestrainedly. This extravagant God who passionately loves. Who freely forgives. Who indiscriminately lavishes gifts on us. I cherish him.

But I adore the God who comes close. The one who doesn’t leave me in my pain, but who remains by my side. He who suffers with me. He could easily have removed the pain or even the cause of it. He didn’t. Instead he chose to go through it with me. To me, that makes him even greater.

He doesn’t hide. He lets himself be found.

At times you will go through darkness. Because he knew that, he went ahead. He’s already waiting for you, longing to help you through.

It’s not like you have to be heartbroken for him to draw near.

But if you ever are, he’s the one you really want to meet.

I still hate pain. But I welcome the healer. I love how he heals my heart. I treasure how he sees me as whole when I feel broken. I rejoice when he shows me that he reigns over my circumstances. I am fulfilled when I see myself through his eyes.